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Thursday, May 12, 2016

I Feel Sad

I feel sad because I am getting older.  I am 66, not really old as old goes, but I know a lot of people that are already dead at my age. 

I don’t really worry about dying.  I hope it has the least amount of pain possible.  I hope I don’t linger and cause a lot of hassle for my children. 

Sometimes I hope I know in advance so I can say goodbye to my friends and family.  Sometimes I hope I go quickly so it is done and over. 

Yesterday I went to the endocrinologist for my diabetes checkup.  I started with her maybe 9 months ago after I was receiving Medicare and thought I could afford the continuous checkups diabetes requires. 

Every time I have seen her we have adjusted my insulin because my blood sugar would not level out.  The first big surprise was that I was rediagnosed with adult onset Type 1 instead of Type 2, which is more common. 

Yesterday she told me that I am a Brittle Type 1 which means my blood sugar won’t stay balanced.  I have big swings and although I have done pretty well following my diet and insulin injections the numbers continued to jump. 

Now I know the jumping numbers were not my fault.  I have long accepted that diabetes was not my fault.  My grandmother’s sister, my mother and now I have it.  My grandmother’s mother also died shortly after she was born which I have always wondered if gestational diabetes was a cause or at least a factor. 

Both my mother and grandmother died of cancer, different cancers. I guess I should be worried about that more than the diabetes but I’m not. 

My son just stopped by and I talked to him about how he needs to watch himself and his children.  He is nearing 40 and 50s is when many are diagnosed with adult onset or Type 2.  Of course, he is too busy, too invincible.  So was I. 

I am just sad.  My body is an engine that is wearing out.  One week I need a new carburetor, the next time a new fan belt.  However, like my 1996 Nissan, I intend to keep running with adjustments and new parts as needed.




11 comments:

  1. your diabetes one sounds similar to my malignant hypertension.
    it will suddenly go sky high to stroke level with no 'normal' in sight.
    and an ER visit usually to get it down. they can't take it down too fast.
    and they don't know the cause. i take their bp meds religiously.
    scary stuff for both of us.
    they've recently added diabetes 2 to my mix.
    but then they say over half of america now is too. what a mess.
    but we will overcome it all.
    like bette davis said. " old age is not for sissies! "
    at least she's purported to have said that. and she or whoever said it...
    was right!
    and ... what an adorable smiley face! ♥
    also... at turning 71 myself next month i think of you as a teenager! LOLOL!

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  2. The health issues with aging are hard to deal with and accept. I have issues with my legs and it's been difficult. I've learned to adapt and cope as best I can. Who knows what's around the corner? Meanwhile I want to enjoy everything I can while I can, because I'll miss out if I give in to what I've lost.

    Pamper yourself in some way that you really enjoy. Relax, spend time with a friend, talk it out, or work in a garden. Read a great book, see a funny movie, volunteer, pray. Do your best health wise and enjoy the rest of your journey. Long or short, it's your shot at life. Embrace it! Living in fear and sadness robs us of precious moments. Live.

    All of that is easy for me to say but you will find what helps you. You know what you need. Thinking of you...

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  3. It does seem that we don't bounce back as well as we age. We just have to do the best we can. So far no one gets out alive, but it would be nice to delay the exit.

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  4. I turn 60 in just a few weeks and I know how you feel, we do think more of our passing as the years fly by,, I hope you can get your problems sorted and please be happy, you will feel better when your health is sorted,

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  5. I'm very sorry you've had 'brittle diabetic' stamped on your forehead. That one is serious. Is an insulin pump an option for you? Though those come with their own set of problems. Bob's family has a lot of diabetes. His mother died in 1937 at home in the country so we've always thought she probably died from diabetes. She was 37 and had given birth to 10 children, the next year a 14 year old daughter died of diabetes. None of Bob's sisters developed it but the daughters of his sisters are all diabetics. My mother died of ovarian cancer but I needed a hysterectomy in my 40s so they took everything given my history. I do worry about my daughter and her doctor is aware and watches carefully. I guess we all have to go with something. My preference is for things that don't have to be monitored, something that will take me quickly. I can deal with dying, but I have great concern about how that happens. I suppose it's good we can't know those things. Hang in there. You've got a lot of miles in you yet.

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  6. I can only imagine how hard it was to hear the newest label assigned to you. (((((HUGS)))) Diabetes runs in my family and in my husband's also. My doctors monitor me and my sons are aware that they must monitor their health also for this and other genetic diseases that run on my husband's side of the family. My step grandmother was given the same diagnosis as you were and she lived life to the fullest and was one of the spunkiest people I have ever been blessed to have in my life. :) I suspect that you, like her, will fight this thing as best you can and continue to create wonderful memories for a long time with your friends and family. It may slow you down, but as my mother who is in her mid 70's told me, old age will do that too. ;) She then gleefully pointed out that I'm not getting any younger either and some of my memory lapses could also be age related and not just from my CFS...yeah, that's what I need, something else that fogs my brain. LOL! Hang in the Barbara.

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  7. We're all in the same boat. Nobody's getting younger, lol.

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  8. Just keep hanging in there! It's all any of us can do.

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  9. HI. Well you don't look that age. I am 58 and I assumed you were around the same age. I am sad I am 58 already, but I can recall that I was sad when I was 27 thinking I was almost 30! And the same with 37 for 40! The rest is a blur.

    Well, we are human and this life is not our eternity. Nothing is perfect; our bodies age and break down. And now we are seeing many drugs cause other problems as they are curing the problem they are meant for! Andrea

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  10. Tough break. You're handling it well, however. Diabetes has a genetic factor we didn't ask for. In your case it appears to be several factors. I see my GP next week for my annual physical and always dread what he will say when he see's the results of my blood work. So far so good. My Aunt Marge had diabetes starting about your age and she lived to 94. Hopefully you will too, or longer.

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  11. Barbara,
    Being a person who was diagnosed with diabetes at 38 (I'm sure I'd had it for a while before that, looking back), I do understand the feelings that come with it. It's a mixture between sad, angry, anxious, and also a feeling of being tired of dealing with it at all. My sugars swing wildly, as well. I have a new doctor that I've had for less than a year, and she is trying to figure it out for me. I am hoping that when we get done with this move, I can focus better on that issue, and watch things better and see if we can't get this problem addressed. Because we have been eating out so much, due to the move, I have felt quite sick for quite a while now between the diabetes and the gluten intolerance. It was so bad Sunday that I watched my food super carefully yesterday and today and am feeling much, much better tonight. I made time to cook today, even though I was busy and had only 1 pan still unpacked:) So, take heart! You are not alone. Fight the fight! Because that's what it is--an every day, all day, never ending fight to keep on top of it and it sounds like you are doing a great job.

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