I feel sad because I am getting older. I am 66, not really old as old goes, but I know a lot of people that are already dead at my age.
I don’t really worry about dying. I hope it has the least amount of pain possible. I hope I don’t linger and cause a lot of hassle for my children.
Sometimes I hope I know in advance so I can say goodbye to my friends and family. Sometimes I hope I go quickly so it is done and over.
Yesterday I went to the endocrinologist for my diabetes checkup. I started with her maybe 9 months ago after I was receiving Medicare and thought I could afford the continuous checkups diabetes requires.
Every time I have seen her we have adjusted my insulin because my blood sugar would not level out. The first big surprise was that I was rediagnosed with adult onset Type 1 instead of Type 2, which is more common.
Yesterday she told me that I am a Brittle Type 1 which means my blood sugar won’t stay balanced. I have big swings and although I have done pretty well following my diet and insulin injections the numbers continued to jump.
Now I know the jumping numbers were not my fault. I have long accepted that diabetes was not my fault. My grandmother’s sister, my mother and now I have it. My grandmother’s mother also died shortly after she was born which I have always wondered if gestational diabetes was a cause or at least a factor.
Both my mother and grandmother died of cancer, different cancers. I guess I should be worried about that more than the diabetes but I’m not.
My son just stopped by and I talked to him about how he needs to watch himself and his children. He is nearing 40 and 50s is when many are diagnosed with adult onset or Type 2. Of course, he is too busy, too invincible. So was I.
I am just sad. My body is an engine that is wearing out. One week I need a new carburetor, the next time a new fan belt. However, like my 1996 Nissan, I intend to keep running with adjustments and new parts as needed.